What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:52
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
What was your most memorable combat mission during the Vietnam War?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ive learnt so much.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was scared of men, in general
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I said to her
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
Have you made a female relative or friend squirt?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I think the readers, may guess!
I will be 64.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We all went to grammer schools
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was seconnd youngest,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was very sick at this time too.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Comes on , in middle age.
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Was to survive, this bastard.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My life is so biszare .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It was going to be , some day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
Im still living with it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But, we were locked up after school.
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
But ive been too sick for many years..